


Harmless lies

by Yellowleaf



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Drabble, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-14
Updated: 2013-07-14
Packaged: 2017-12-20 04:30:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/882959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yellowleaf/pseuds/Yellowleaf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or hurtful truths?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Harmless lies

 

"Am I not good enough?" The words don't come out until Siwon had left the room. It is too late, Heechul knows this. In his desperation he had even thought about pretending to be a better man. For Siwon. To keep Siwon. Heechul had contemplated going to church and acting a little less himself. But he couldn't have pulled it off. Not for Siwon. Not for anyone. This is him. This is who he is.

___

"Stay with me." Heechul whispers with every kiss they share in the privacy of their hotel room. Heechul doesn't mean now. He means forever.

Siwon smiles and kisses him back.

___

Sometimes he catches Siwon watching him. His eyes soft and kind. He almost takes it for pity but he brushes the thought to the side. It can't be pity. Siwon doesn't have the right to pity him. No. Not now. Not ever.

He remembers those same eyes lost in his as they made love. So many fucking times. It hurts now to think back. So he tries his best not to. He puts on his latest pair of designer sunglasses and forces a small smile at the man who meant the whole world to him.

___

He sees the roses and the chocolates on his dressing table. He doesn't have to check for the identity of the sender. He knows that it's from Siwon. He is always so good at making him smile. His handsome horse.

 ___

_This is death._

He can't speak and his heart thumps with so much fear and dread.

_I am dead_.

Is this what afterlife is like? If he is dead, this must be hell then. For a man who doesn't believe in god or religion he finds himself lost and alone and he wants to believe that something more and good is out there. The pain comes in waves and it hurt. It hurt not to speak his mind. It hurt to learn about what had happened and it hurt more to not know whether he will ever be able to get back to his old self.

___

_I'm broken, Siwon._

_I'm broken. Inside and out._

Heechul's eyes are dark and red from all the tears he had shed on his own. He feels like he is walking this earth on borrowed time with a shattered body and no one will ever be able to save him.

___

_Just go. Leave me._

___

_I pushed him away. He wanted to leave. I let him go. He's happy with that bright young thing anyway._

 ___

He gets the call up. He doesn't tell anyone.

___

  _I'm so afraid. I don't know what'll happen. I don't want to be alone. I want to stay. Here._

_With you._

_\---_

He enjoys the cool air against his face as he walks up to the playground by the old housing complex next to the busy rail line. He appreciates the evening sun on his face and even the rumbling noise of the ground as another train disappears behind him. He misses the small things. It means more to him now. He can indulge in the small things he didn't appreciate back then. He rarely got any time to himself then. The streets are dusty and the fence is rusty and worn down. The webbing in the fence wires are cut down at numerous places by vandals. It's still weeks away from winter and Heechul doesn't want the cold to get here. His least favourite season. Winter. Bringing the rain and the cold along with it. Siwon is late. Heechul stops at the entrance to the playground and leans against the metallic gate. Siwon had wanted to see the place Heechul had grown up in and after much pleading Heechul had agreed to it. Siwon is important to him. He wants to please him.

___

"Am I pretty?" Heechul asks from inside the bathroom.

"Yes." Siwon answers not bothering to untangle himself from the sweat covered sheets.

"You are very beautiful."

Heechul stares at his reflection. His long hair now surpasses his shoulders. His skin is glistening with sweat and he cannot help but spot every bite mark Siwon had laid on him. His dark eyes are smiling back at him. He hadn't felt so alive in years.

 

 

\--

 

 


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